I think i peed on brittanys purse
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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