just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
