She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world