Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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