the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
