I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
