I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
