it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
