so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
