He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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