so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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