i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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