My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.