I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.