just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
