Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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