i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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