??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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