forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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