just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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