did you get engaged???
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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