i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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