I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
