After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
