Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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