I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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