My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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