and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
