Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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