Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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