The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
they're like a gay fantastic four
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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