u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
