tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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