How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
