i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
