The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
