Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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