Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
