someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
