The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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