I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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