he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
