I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
