You just made me feel so damn special
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
