this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
