i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
