:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
