I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
