no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
