My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
