The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
