forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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