she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
