Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
