How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
