I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
