Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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