I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
